I have had an over the top crazy year since i last posted anything. My heart has been devastated and I wanted to keep it all to myself, but all this pain would be worth nothing if I wasn't able to share and help someone else.
At the beginning of October I celebrated my 27th birthday with my grandparents and a few days later my grandpa passed away. I am heart broken and crying as I type this. He was one of the only men I have ever been able to share my life with and felt that he truly heard what i was saying. He was extremely sick and I am glad that he is no longer in pain. My heart hurts... I am glad that I am able to say that I saw him a few days before in a good mood and that he let me know he likes me with purple hair more than black haha.
It doesn't change that I am heart broken and a bit mad. Today I took a 3 mile walk and I was so angry at God because I know my identity is in Christ, but I don't know what that looks like. I felt that, if my identity is in Christ why cant I just do drugs and have the skinny body I had. I want the feeling of being numb to everything. I MISSS doing drugs and i know that is sooooooooo beyond crazy because it ruined my life once and it would ruin my life again, but I just want my body back, I want that control.
Then i kept repeating how God has saved me. That He redeemed me, loves me, forgives me, and I am made new in an image of a saint, (me a saint, mind blowing) and even though I sin God loves me and will never turn from me. That the pain I feel from longing to do drugs will always be there and it hurts my heart because it is sin and it hurts God's heart too. I just kept repeating these things and then it clicked!!!! I have been listening to Satan's lies about me. Even though the lies he tells me are completely untrue, I still was listening. That I am not pretty enough, that I am not together enough, that I am crazy, that my past has tainted my future. Fuck Satan for making me feel that I am any less worthy to God.
I feel like I am at a season in my life that I am restless and lonely and its because I don't have a firm foundation in what my identity is. I feel like the things happening with the people close in my life suck so much, but its because God is teaching me how to stand up for myself and not hold back the things I have to say. I have felt that everyone else has more value than I do or that their feelings and comfort are more important, but I have just as much value as they do.
I just want you to know that your identity isn't in what other people think of you or how others make you feel. Your identity is in Christ and where ever you are, let that light shine in dark places and don't let other people or circumstances make you feel less than a redeemed.
XOXO
Casie
